Category Archives: Journal stories

Random thoughts about my life as a single mother

Mommy’s Away Traveling for Work Again

Today I am away from my home of Miami, Florida and away from my little boy.  My boss sent me off to Los Angles, California to attend a work function.  It’s not my first time spending the night away from my child, but it never seems to get easier.  I keep thinking about those big beautiful brown eyes of his and how they greet me so lovingly every evening when I get home from work.  If I could spend every second of my day with him and never let him out of my sight, it would be perfect. I can’t help but feel guilty for being away from him. I hardly get enough time and I feel like before I can even blink my eyes, he’ll be all grown up and I would have missed 90% of him growing up.  It’s almost like his grandmother is the one raising him and not me.  I hope he never holds my lack of time with him against me and that he understands I do it all for him.  More importantly, I hope he never loses the love in his eyes for me.  It would break my heart. This particular trip is only for one night and I’ll be back at home with my little one by tomorrow night.  It’s just a little anxiety.   I’m sure I’ll survive besides,  I’m on vacation all next week so its going to be major bonding time for me and my almond joy (as I like to call him).

So here I am.  Almost 3,000 miles away from home in a lonely hotel room in downtown Los Angeles.  I’m officially no longer a “LA Virgin”.  I’ve made my first visit and am surprised to learn it’s not the warm state I thought it was.  According to my phone, the current temperature is 64 degrees and according to my eyes, the skies are a bit dark and cloudy.  That’s cold!  Especially to someone who’s been living in Miami for the last 12 years. When I left Miami this morning, the temperature was already at 70 degrees and increasing by the minute. My good friend, Google, tells me it’s currently 84 degrees.  That’s 20 degrees warmer! Yes, I learned today that I’ve officially lost my “New Yorkness”.  Gone.  Out the window.  At least when it comes to the weather, it has.  Brrr. Where’s my sweater?

I wonder what Mason’s doing? He has no idea mommy is not coming home tonight.  No idea mommy is 3,000 miles away thinking about him in her quiet, lonely hotel room complaining about the weather.  She’s complaining about the cold in an effort to keep her mind focused on less important things and away from the fact that she misses her son. The truth is she’s using her complaint about the weather to mask her sadness. She’s trying desperately not to cry because she’s misses her son so badly.

Single Mommingly Yours,  M.

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Aside

Mason’s 1st birthday party was a success and thanks to Shutterfly.com I got the photobook full of pictures to prove it! I’ve built memories for Mason that will last him a lifetime! You’re all welcome to view the photobook I’ve … Continue reading

Mason’s birthday party

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Mason’s birthday party turned out great!  So many people showed up to help celebrate!  What an amazing feeling to know Mason is surrounded by so many people who love him.

My 9/11 birthday boy

The tragic events of September 11, 2001 left most of us with sad memories and distaste for this day. Every year we are reminded of the many innocent lives that were lost and the visual representation of ugliness that is called hate.

I was still living in New York on that day when the famous World Trade Center towers met its end and chaos erupted throughout the city. I was a part of that history. I remember clearly the impact that it had on the world.

Naturally, the last thing I wanted was to have my child born on such an ugly day.

But history is not a forecast to the future nor should it be a predetermined factor as to how we choose to live our lives. Everyday God offers us little intricate blessings of hope. Most of them go unnoticed, but they’re there. I have to keep this in mind when the guilty feeling attempts to creep up on me for wanting to celebrate and rejoice this day. My blessing came with a huge bang one year ago today. As much as I resisted and hoped that my little boy would not come on this date, my stubborn boy still came. He couldn’t wait another day to meet his momma. Mason Alexander entered this world on September 11, 2012, while the rest of the world mourned and remembered those who lost their lives back in 2001. I saw his face and instantly my world was changed for the better. September 11th now has rays of sunshine seeping through its dark clouds.

What an amazing way of converting such a sad day into a beautiful hope for the future.

Happy birthday, my sweet innocent child. You are my biggest blessing from God.

Single Mommingly Yours, M.

A child’s pain is his mother’s pain

This weekend I discovered what they mean when they say “a child’s pain is his mother’s pain.”

My little Mason had a terrible case of constipation this weekend. The first sign of it was on Friday. I’ve now labeled myself a bad mommy for not having done something immediately to correct the problem. I guess I thought it would get better on its own.

I got home earlier than usual on Friday to the sounds of his horrific painful cries. My mother was in the bathroom with him. He was sitting in his little Disney Cars potty chair. His diaper off. His eyes filled with tears as he strained to relieve himself. My mom tried to comfort him. By the time I arrived, he was just finishing up. “He’s constipated.” My mom said to me. I did nothing.

Late afternoon on Saturday, after attending a 1 year birthday party, I took Mason to his uncle’s (my brother)house. We ended up spending the weekend there. I noticed Mason had the “I’m pooping” face on a few times throughout the evening but every time I checked his diaper, he was clean. He didn’t poop on Saturday and by Sunday, it was time to let the sucker out. This was easier said than done. Mason tried for a full hour before he was finally succesful. My poor baby was in so much pain. He cried and pushed, cried and pushed but nothing would happen. I took off his diaper and sat in the tub with him, hoping the running water would calm him a bit.

The pain in his eyes was unbearable and I felt useless. There was nothing I could do to make this go away for him. It was the saddest thing. I cried in the tub with him as I held his little naked body close to me.

Eventually it all came out but the look of pain in his eyes still lingers in mind. Never do I want to see him in that position again. It broke my heart. That was on Sunday. Here am today, 2 days later, writing this with blurred vision because the thought of his pain still makes me cry.

Single Mommingly Yours, M

What happened to my newborn!??!

If you’ve been paying attention to Mason’s birthday countdown I have posted on the right side of this blog’s home page, then you know we’re only 14 days away from his big day.

What happened to my newborn?

I remember the day I first met my precious little boy clearly. I keep thinking it was only yesterday, but it’s been almost a full year. He came on the day I precisely hoped he wouldn’t come…September 11th! Of all days THAT’s the day he had to come! My stubborn little boy was already disobeying his momma even as a newborn. Should I have translated this stubbornness as a subtle hint to what I should expect life to be like with my child? If so, God help me.

Sunday night, September 9, 2012.

It was my first weekend of my maternity leave and I was sitting at home watching an episode of Long Island Medium. It was Season 3, Episode 1 to be exact; the season premiere episode when Theresa Caputo’s son comes home from college. That’s when my contractions started. I ignored them at first, thinking they were just another bout of braxton hicks. I was wrong. These were about to become the real thing. These contractions went on throughout the whole night. They weren’t painful…yet. I was able to sleep through it with a little discomfort.

Monday, September 10, 2012

I woke up the next morning to realize the contractions hadn’t stopped. My sister and I timed the contractions. They were 10 minutes apart. Was it time? Should I be rushing to the hospital? Should I call my doctor first? Do I have to wait for my water to break? I consulted with my other sister in New York who as a mom of three kids, was a pro on these matters. “You should go see your doctor” she said. And that’s what I did. At the doctor’s office they lay me down on a bed and strapped this belt-like contraption around my waist. The “belt” was full of wires which were hooked up to a machine that would monitor my contractions and identify if these were labor contractions and if I was in fact, about to go into labor. The machine confirmed I was having contractions, but I still had a ways to go before labor would begin. “Come back when your contractions are five minutes apart” is what the nurse said. So with that, I returned home and waited.

Okay, Mason. If you’re not coming today then you better as hell not come tomorrow! You’re going to have to wait until the 12th.

Monday night, September 10, 2012 (It was really early Tuesday morning, September 11, 2012)

Never had I known pain like that in my life! The horror stories I’d heard were true! At a little past 1:00am Tuesday morning, the contractions started coming in at full force. And DAMN did it hurt! My sister can tell you because she fearlessly served as my punching bag that evening/morning. I’m sure I left a couple of bruises on her arm. The contractions were now at 5 minutes apart. In my opinion, it was time to go. “Take me to the hospital!” I yelled, but my mom thought it would be best for me to wait it out at home for as long as I could. She claimed I’d be much more comfortable going through these contractions in my own bed then I would be in a hospital bed. She was wrong. I had a plan. “Take me to the hospital!” I repeated over and over again until finally my words were taken seriously.

After some monitoring of my contractions and a few more bruises (this time at the mercy of my mother), I was admitted in and transferred to a delivery room. “Do you want an epi…” I didn’t even let the nurse finish her question. This had been part of my plan. “Yes! I want an epidural! Give it to me now!” The nurse kindly obliged and in an instant, I was put out of my misery. I slept all the way to the morning in that hospital bed. Like a baby. My mother was wrong. I was ten times more comfortable here than I would have ever been in my own bed. Ahhhhh…the miracle of drugs.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

At approximately 11:00am the nurse announced I was fully dialated and it was time. In came the doctor. I’ll spare you from the details of my labor, but I’ll tell you it only took half an hour of me pushing the little guy out. He was born at 11:36am. September 11, 2012.

Whew! THAT was a year ago. My completely helpless little baby is now an independent little person walking around and throwing tantrums every minute that he can.

And so I ask again, What happened to my newborn?

Single Mommingly Yours, M

My Friday as a single mom

Yes! It’s finally Friday! This is the day of the week I’ve been looking forward to since…well, all week! Not only is it Friday, but it’s also payday.  I’m going to live it up tonight, have some drinks with friends and go club hopping all night and then I think I’ll do it again on Saturday.  Yes? 

No. That’s not my life anymore.  That was before Mason.

So what are my real plans for tonight and the rest of the weekend, you ask? The truth is I’m not sure.  You’d think with me being so excited about Friday I’d have alot lined up but I don’t.  I’m just excited for a weekend spent the majority of the time at home with my 11 month old best friend.  I’m excited about a little extra sleep (if I’m lucky).  I’m excited about possibly getting some laundry done and finally having some time to wash my hair. Most of all, I’m excited about spending some quality time with my little one. 

As a full-time single mom and grad student, I don’t get to spend very much time with Mason during the week.  My weekends are a blessing and I cherish them.  Weekends give me moments that if I lose, I can never get back again.  I will seize these moments in the company of my son and embellish them with the beauty that is Mason.   

So when they ask, “Can you get a babysitter for tonight?”  The answer is probably yes, I just don’t want to.

Singly mommingly yours, M.